Trying to think

To define thee my words fail
Till the horizon of awareness, I thou chase
You sit beside me when I am not looking
As soon as I am aware of you, you are nowhere to be seen
You are the cause of my misery
The reason for my restlessness
You are the purpose of my actions
The answer to my quests

I close my eyes to everything else, in a hope to see you
My breath comes cautiously lest it blows away you
Like a butterfly you dance in the darkness of my ignorance
Sheltered you are on the realm of my consciousness
Unreachably subtle or subtly unreachable?

Do I really know? Where I want to go?
There is a place in my mind where I think I want to go,
For which I don’t mind swimming opposite the flow,
And it’s owing to that thinking that I say, I know.
But the Doubt has found a place in my mind to sow,
I wonder, at that place, will I be happy and able to grow?
Or will I be stuck in a floe?
Disappointed or no, will there be still be a will left to search a different place and go?
It’s funny that I worry so much about a place that I am yet to go.
How foolish of me to be confident so,
To assume that I will reach the place I intend to go
That no surprises at me life will throw
Who knows what the future has in store?
What twists and turns are yet to be shown?
Does it really matter then, where I want to go?

As they say
It all started one fine day
I happened to look at myself in my friend’s mirror
And it showed me a good, dependable friend
Just and loving, kind and sometimes pigheaded
I was delighted to see this new perspective
I learnt some things and I got some new adjectives
And then that curiosity became an addiction
Friends, family, enemies, even the strangers were not spared
I was flabbergasted, fascinated, and at times shattered
Sometimes more than people their mirrors mattered
I took a piece of every mirror I laid my hands on
Some showed plain truth some wrong opinions
I now have the entire collection in front of me
All the pieces are similar yet they are unique
A collage that has grown over the years
A rainbow with every color from black to white
And today I sat wondering which is the closest to the right
And in front of my eyes something magical happened
The mirrors came together and became a diamond
Which I hold in front of the mirror for myself to see.

Today I want to write something
But nothing is coming up to my mind
No experience, no memory, no feeling powerful enough
To dwell on it, make me write about it.
It’s as if my mind has reached a stage
Where it is empty, for a change
I can deal with problems, worries
But no one ever taught me how to handle void
What should I do about this nothingness?

Drunk, you call me
High, I am according to you
Do you understand what is drunkenness?
You, who only know physical intoxication,
What do you know of a drunken soul?
You, who mow over your thoughts to make them even
Uncanny passions have no place in your fixed-sized box
Your courage lies in crossing in boundaries created by yourselves
Your Laughing and weeping in installments, I could not endure
Proudly outcast myself to wilderness
Acted on every wildest thought, every passionate feeling
Passions are like flowers, trample on them could I?
I drank all the poison from my own flowers
Drowned to the depths of the ocean, sometimes soared high up till the stars
Living on the edge, embraced the whims of nature
Complacent I lie in my outback, alone but not lonely
Gazing at Sanity, the distant moon,
Still throwing some rays on me
Hoping . . .

– Inspired by Oscar Wilde’s
(The picture of Dorian Gray)